3 Steps to Turning Your Lovemaking into a Deliciously Metaphoric Pizza
When I was growing up, a baseball game was a prime metaphor for sex. Baseball’s bases were likened to the stages of sexual foreplay. Getting to first base, second base, and so on were markers of levels of sexual intimacy. A home run would be having sex. After dates, both males and females would ask each other, “how far did you go?” A simple first, second, third base or a home run was a sufficient answer.
This sex and intimacy metaphor, like the sport of baseball itself (according to a recent Gallup poll) is falling out of popularity.* Clearly, the baseball metaphor for sex is problematic. It’s simplistic, sexist and goal oriented.
- One of its shortcomings is it pits boys and girls against each other, with the boys trying to score base hits and girls playing defense to keep the boys off their bases.
- What about LBGTQ sex?
- Another problem is it is unidirectional. People “round the bases” in a specific order, and the end result, a home-run, is intercourse. In today’s changed world, that’s not always the case.
Sex is more like pizza.
Sex educator and author Al Vernacchio** likens sex to ordering a pizza. First, there is a conversation about crust depth and types of toppings. The conversation requires inclusivity if the goal is a pizza that is pleasurable for the people who will share the pie. The process is communicative, cooperative and invites feedback and exploration, instead of competition. The variety of toppings that go on a pizza includes an array of tastes as well; that too is more inclusive.
Now imagine that your pizza has a special key ingredient, a secret sauce. This sauce, I liken to the human energy field, because it has the ability to transform your sexual experience – and your pizza – into something mutually appealing and creative, and possibly blissful and healing.
About Tantra
The secret sauce is tantra, a thousand -year- old practice that comes to us by way of India. Tantra, in its historic form, required enormous discipline and hours of practice. The goal was a sexual-spiritual union that, frankly, puts the Western body-based orgasm to shame. Yet it’s hard for us to imagine how we could fit such a demanding practice into our 60-hour work weeks, Zoom meetings and child care demands.
The good news is that tantra has been going through changes as it has met the modern West. Simpler, less time-consuming methods to achieve the tantric goal of spiritual and sexual intimacy have been found using modern energy healing techniques. These can serve as a key ingredient to the “secret sauce” you place on your pizza.
Here are some steps to turning your lovemaking into a deliciously metaphoric pizza enjoyed by both parties:
Step 1: Prepare Pizza
This can be done on your own or with your partner, or a professional or even an intimate friend. In order to sensitize yourself to the emotions involved in having delicious sex, imagine that you are preparing to do so. This would be like the initial preparations for your pizza. While doing this, create an affirmation to embody confidence and reduce any fear that might get in the way of sexual intimacy. This affirmation should be an “I” statement; short, present tense, and without any negatives. Consider building your affirmation around something you already embody or that you’re bringing it out into the world, such as, “I am a powerful, sensual person,” or, “I am a highly orgasmic woman,” or, “I am a powerful magnet for sensuality,” (to name a few of my favorites).
I’m mixing metaphors here, pizza with a sacred act, but I’m gonna go with it anyways.
Step 2: Creating Sacred Space
Before love making, both partners agree to designate the area they make love as a special place, “sacred,” as in it is “holy” for the two of you. What is tantalizing for the both of you? Ideas range from the simple (open a window for fresh air) to more thought, such as lighting a candle, eating certain foods beforehand, using music, feathers, bells, etc. to enhance the space and the experience. For practitioners of Yoga, a couple may invoke the energy of cosmic lovers Shiva and Shakti. Others could invoke famous couples from the Bible, or mythology and so on. The point is, use a spiritual sense to make your love-making space supportive of experiencing intimacy and love.
Step 3: Communication
This could be like the “ordering of the pizza” step. While in your sacred space, have an intimate conversation about sex. These conversations can be an emotional mind field, so we have to speak – and choose ingredients – carefully and respectfully of one’s partner. To help the two of you along, here are some do’s and don’ts to be aware of when speaking about sex.
Do’s
- Tread carefully! Remember sex is a highly charged topic AND the person you’re speaking to is someone you care about. Outdated gender roles and damaging sexual stereotypes are still hanging around and could surface in your conversation.
- Begin the conversation by offering a request rather than making a complaint. Requests are about the future and imply that you want to remain connected and work toward a desired solution. Complaints are about the past. They easily promote defensiveness and can shut things down.
- Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. For example: “I love it when you…,” or “I would like it if next time we…” Rather than, “When you do __________, it turns me off.”
- Empower each other. Difficult conversations are difficult! Support, validate and echo back what you hear your partner say. By repeating back what you heard in your own words you show your respect while ensuring you understood what they were trying to convey to you.
- Cherish each other! Provide positive feedback and honor when your partner steps outside their comfort zone to speak intimately with you. That act alone is a statement of their affection and trust in you. When it happens, you are on your way!
Don’ts
- Don’t talk about sex when you’re angry.
- Don’t “yuck” your partner’s “yum.” In other words, avoid reacting negatively if the thing they find pleasurable is not so for you. Just listen, be curious and echo back what you heard them say. Accommodating your partner’s requests is a sign of your love and affection for them. If it is outside your comfort zone, talk about it. Explain why. By talking about it together you might find a middle ground acceptable to both of you.
This conversation is about agreeing which ingredients the two of you will put on your pizza. But don’t forget the secret sauce! In part two, I will describe how to make this sauce so you can use love-making as a doorway to increased intimacy with your partner on every level imaginable: spiritual, physical, emotional. Stay tuned!
By the way…if you know someone who could benefit from the services I provide: private & couples coaching, combined with energy healing, I would love to help them. Your referrals mean so much!